Global warming has been a concern here at the North Pole but the elves have been busy and the sleigh is ready for the big trip on the 24th. There are however a few other minor problems to iron out this year before my trip.
I am negotiating with Homeland Security and I’ve got to tell you life is not easy when it comes to dealing with your government. First it’s the customs thing concerning a full inspection of the sleigh and all contents. They tell me this could take days and I don’t have that kind of time to waste.
Next they start talking about some kind of full body pat down. Now let me tell you, I don’t mind them rubbing my tummy, kids have been doing that for years, but I am not about to take off my boots. They have no concept of how difficult it is for a man my size to do that. Why Mrs. Claus has to help me putting them on and she is staying home keeping the fire burning.
That’s not the end of it either. The Agriculture department is complaining about transportation of none native insects. They want to comb my beard out and put my reindeer in quarantine. Those people have no clue as to what that means to the children and my deliver system. I can tell you, this will not be tolerated!
Then I get word from some organizations of Union Labor that says the teamsters are upset about me driving the sleigh because they are sympathetic to their brother coal miners. It seems there is a new tariff on imported none union coal. If they don’t back off they’ll be getting nothing but coal this year.
Have you heard of the Obama family? They seem to do nothing but cause trouble. Michelle wants to regulate the fat content in cookies!! Just who does she think she is? Then there’s that Barack fellow, he wants to see my list of who’s been naughty and nice. I told him he’ll see my list when I see his birth certificate, which seems to have shut him up.
Now one last thing just who are these PETA people? They tell me they have issues with Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and all the other reindeer pulling the sleigh. Let me tell you what I told them, “You may have issues but I have no subscriptions”. I never heard of anything more ridiculous.
Connecticut was the only state that gave me a headache in my trip planning. That Attorney General Richard Blumenthal wanted to hit me with a lawsuit over the safety features on the sleigh. I told him “that sleigh was inspected by the 1st Air Cavalry in Vietnam during 1967; sorry you weren’t there to see it”. He dropped the suit.
Well that’s it. I feel confident all things will be ironed out in time to leave. I should be arriving in Connecticut during the early morning hours of the 25th.
I will be coming to your house so please leave out some cookies and a nice big glass of chocolate milk. Merry Christmas………